We all get hurt sometimes. That's part of growing up. It's when we fall that we learn how to pick ourselves up and how not to do that ever again. Still, some things leave us wondering why, and I think that's where I am right now. The purpose of this blog was for my new adventure in Portland but its become way more then that. This blog is about heartbreak, moving on, and trying to find myself and find love as well. This blog is about transitions and all the pain and joy that goes along with them. There's a rush of emotions going through my head right now because so much has happened. I feel anger, tears, and heartache flowing through my veins. I've been lied to, trampled over, ignored, left behind, left alone, beaten up, and thrown away. This leads me to one question: WHY? Why would you ever do this to me? This I'll never know, and I have to get used to the fact that I won't ever know. That's why its called moving on. There's no such thing as happy endings and its stupid of him to hope for that. You can't break someone's heart and expect it to be alright and easy. That's naive. I need a Mr. who doesn't want endings, he wants forever. I'm not saying that this whole thing still doesn't hurt me because I not only got my heart broken, I got lied to and betrayed. You don't get right back up after someone you love slams you that hard. So yeah, I hope she was worth it.
My dreams lately have told me about what's going on in the inside of my head. My heart may be over him, but my head is still wondering why. My dreams are also telling me that letting him go was the best decision I have ever made because now I can pursue the dreams I had in the first place. Now there's no one to stop me or hold me back. I looked at a ton of graphics for my blog today and I found a bunch saying "I'm his". Why the hell would I ever want to belong to someone? Am I some t-shirt or notebook that says "This belongs to..." No. I think not. I am my own person and the next Mr. who comes around had better realize that I am not "his" I am me and I am with him. I don't wanna be the dependent girlfriend who follows her boyfriend around with huge puppy dog eyes. That's not going to be me again.
Tonight, my sweet Sydney Ann, my guinea pig left me. She passed away in my arms. She's been sick for a long time and I held her and prayed that God would take away her pain. I sang her God Bless the Broken Road and she left me after that song. Rest in peace my sweet little girl. I'll love you forever.
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