A Little More Love

So remember the keep your eyes open post from before?

I know you do!!! :) Anyways...here's the news....(drum roll anyone?)

This is the new Mr. in my life :) He's pretty much amazing...and a BABE. Hahahaha. What else can  I say?

 our vans :) hint: mine are the clean ones haha!

It was very unexpected. We sat next to each other in class all year but never could we have pictured this happening. It's funny how things turn out. Before I literally thought I had my whole life planned out. I was so sure that nothing was going to change and that nothing could go wrong. Little did I know that my whole thinking, that whole relationship; that's what was wrong. I was ready to give my life away to someone who didn't want it and didn't want me. So then I was going to start school single and I began to accept that concept. I gained that fierce independence back that I had lost. I was ready to take on the world and I was finally prepared to do it all alone. Now, I'm not starting school single. I'm starting school having an awesome guy who cares about me and makes me so immensely happy. So happy, I really wonder why I ever thought I was happy before. This summer was so full of ups and downs and there were so many things that changed. Through it all, I think I learned more from this summer then I have from any other. It's taught me about relationships and love and it's taught me that the world will continue to spin even when you think you're stuck. Most of all it's taught me that anything can happen. God changes plans in an instant and it can turn into the most unexpected yet happiest thing in your life.

Now I'm in Disneyland for this whole week on our family vacation. It's nice to get away from everything. School starts for most of my friends next week. Now that's a very scary thought! That also means I need to put in overdrive and get my stuff for my apartment packed and ready to move. I'm ready to be out and on my own.

Here's some pictures from today....

 I am amazingly happy. Enough said.

2:30 AM

This post is slightly bittersweet I guess. There's so much running through my head right now. Part of me is happy but the other part is so frustrated and angry. I've got the best thing to happy about and the worst thing to be upset about. It's so annoying to be torn to pieces and then see yourself in situations where you swore you'd never be. The good is about the new Mr. in my life. He's quite amazing and he's instantly become the world to me. I'm sure you'll begin to see more and more of him on here. Especially since we both like taking pictures. The bad is about me and someone close to me. She thinks I don't appreciate her at all. She thinks I'm ungrateful and our fight ended with me basically saying to stop caring about me. She should. I think it'll make things easier on the both of us if she just gives up on caring about me. I'm moving out in 3 weeks and I have a feeling they're going to be rough. I've got one foot forward and one foot back. I've got so much ahead of me if I could just get unstuck and start walking forward. I finally found a guy who actually cares about me and who's willing to get to know me. I finally realize that when something just clicks you don't let it pass you by. You stop and turn and decide that hey, I should give this a shot because who knows? This could work. And lo and behold it works. It makes you smile like crazy and nothing else matters. You see the past and all you want to do is move on because you see such good things on the horizon. The hard part is letting go and being free of the things that have a hold on you. It makes you wanna smile and it makes you wanna cry. Either way you have no idea what to do and where to go. All you know is that you have to go somewhere.

You were in college, working part-time, waiting tables
Left a small town and never looked back
I was a flight risk, afraid of fallin'
Wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts

I say, "Can you believe it?"
As we're lyin' on the couch
The moment, I can see it
Yes, yes, I can see it now

Do you remember, we were sittin' there, by the water?
You put your arm around me for the fist time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Flash forward, and we're takin' on the world together
And there's a drawer of my things at your place
You learn my secrets and figure out why I'm guarded
You say we'll never make our parents' mistakes

But we got bills to pay
We got nothin' figured out
When it was hard to take
Yes, yes

This is what I thought about:

Do you remember, we were sittin' there, by the water?
You put your arm around me for the fist time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Do you remember all the city lights on the water?
You saw me start to believe for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh

And I remember that fight, two-thirty AM
You said everything was slipping right out of our hands
I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street

Braced myself for the goodbye, cause that's all I've ever known
Then, you took me by surprise
You said, "I'll never leave you alone."

You said, "I remember how we felt, sitting by the water.
And every time I look at you, it's like the first time.
I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter.
She is the best thing that's ever been mine."

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Do you believe it?
We're gonna make it now
And I can see it

I can see it now.

T.G.I.F

This week has been both long and amazing. I'm glad it was long because usually time flies when you're having fun, and I got to say I've had a lot of fun this week! Next week me and the family are heading to Disneyland and the week after that school starts for most of my friends. For me it means that I move in less then two weeks. How scary is that one? This summer has been positively amazing. Like I've said before, I was terrified that this summer would be horrible but it turned into the most amazing summer ever. It's definitely one to remember forever. :) Today I got pretty bored and took pictures and edited them so I thought I would share...

I went to the beach with this awesome guy this week. :) it was prettyyy darn fun.

This week was amazing. This summer was amazing. I really couldn't ask for anything more. :)

Keep you're eyes open for more news...it should be coming shortly...

All That I'm Asking For

This Sunday was far from what I had anticipated. Actually, I had no idea what was going to happen today so there was no anticipation that was possible. Church made sense this morning today. For the most part, it was about being real with who you are in Christ and living that out every day and making it a huge part of your life. I saw my friend, we'll call him....Anthony. I admire Anthony so much. He's the Christian that we should all strive to be. The short story of it is that Anthony liked a girl but God told him she wasn't right for him and he's listening. Most guys his age would say "screw it" without even paying attention, but not him. Anthony's giving up something he wants to do what God wants. Now that's a walk we all need to live. Whoever he marries will be the luckiest girl in the world, because not only is Anthony a great Christian, he's the most caring person I've ever met.

Next was the task of burying my guinea pig, Sydney. I'll admit that I should've realized that this is something WAY easier said then done. I partially dug the first whole only to find concrete!!! Then I dug another hole but had to dig the opposite direction when I realized there was a pipe there. Eventually after a couple hours of back breaking work I finished it. Only to find that the neighborhood cat decided to just up and kill a bird. Then to top it off it probably got lazy and left it on the porch. So along with burying Sydney, I buried the little bird too. Mom, Riese, and I said a few words and then it was off to the next thing.

The next thing was seeing the guy I've missed all week. I figured out that he missed me too. I guess the rest is self-explanatory. For me, and let's keep this between us, I listened to love songs yesterday. I can't remember when I did that last at all. I didn't even listen to them while I was dating that guy. Now I actually have butterflies.

I don't know what's on the road ahead of me, but I gotta say I'm loving every minute of it. I finally click with someone and those other guys just fell away in an instant. My every thought wasn't of them anymore, it was only about him and I can't believe it's happening like this at all.

I swear I'm learning to do this. I'm learning that I can't settle and that I can't ever put someone's happiness in place of my own. I'm not a maid. I won't bend over backwards for you. Let's just get that straight here and now. My heart's leading down a completely unexpected path and I think I simply adore where it's taking me.

And this was my summer..... :) to be continued of course!

Two Less Lonely People

I really like how some things just fall into place, or basically how two people can become friends so quickly. There are people in this world that you just instantly connect with immediately. I talked about this for hours with one of my friends, we decided that all it takes is a small connection that instantly ignites into a spark. Right now I'm in awe of this process, or whatever you want to call it, and how quickly and easily it falls together. This friend of mine wouldn't have come along if I was still in a relationship and he couldn't have come along at a better time. Looking back, I see everything falling into place and our friendship sinking deeper and deeper....

And it's cool to think about it that way, like I totally believe that everything happens for a reason. I know to some extent that's such a cliche but at the same time everything has to have a reason because God orchestrates everything in our lives. He gives hard things to some people because he knows they can handle it. I think I'm one of those lucky people and he is too. I know lucky may not seem like the right word but at the same time its all perspective. It's cool to think that God thinks you're strong enough to handle the big stuff that he throws at you. I've had A LOT thrown at me during my short 17 years on this earth. I've experienced more then some people will in their whole lives. I think that alone gives me strength to get through the little things, like a breakup, because I know things could be a whole lot worse because I've been through much worse. I've watched my family fall apart at the seams and alcohol rip apart the remains. I've seen the pain and heartache of a relationship that was just one sided. I've felt the pain of being alone and wanting to stay that way forever. I've grown up on yelling, screaming, and leaving love behind. Through all of this though, I'd like to say I've gained perspective unlike so many people my age. I've never had the comfort of stability ever. I would experience short bursts of it and then it'd be ripped away violently from me without a second thought. I've had to leave a lot behind and bring the small stuff along because I couldn't bare losing everything. Still today my life has no stability but i am learning to deal with it. There's no point in wanting something that won't happen.

So pretty much that's a big part of my life story I just spilled out. Honestly, I hope this boy stays in my life for awhile. He means so much to me and I'm so lucky to know him.

Here Comes Goodbye

 

 We all get hurt sometimes. That's part of growing up. It's when we fall that we learn how to pick ourselves up and how not to do that ever again. Still, some things leave us wondering why, and I think that's where I am right now. The purpose of this blog was for my new adventure in Portland but its become way more then that. This blog is about heartbreak, moving on, and trying to find myself and find love as well. This blog is about transitions and all the pain and joy that goes along with them. There's a rush of emotions going through my head right now because so much has happened. I feel anger, tears, and heartache flowing through my veins. I've been lied to, trampled over, ignored, left behind, left alone, beaten up, and thrown away. This leads me to one question: WHY? Why would you ever do this to me? This I'll never know, and I have to get used to the fact that I won't ever know. That's why its called moving on. There's no such thing as happy endings and its stupid of him to hope for that. You can't break someone's heart and expect it to be alright and easy. That's naive. I need a Mr. who doesn't want endings, he wants forever. I'm not saying that this whole thing still doesn't hurt me because I not only got my heart broken, I got lied to and betrayed. You don't get right back up after someone you love slams you that hard. So yeah, I hope she was worth it. 

 My dreams lately have told me about what's going on in the inside of my head. My heart may be over him, but my head is still wondering why. My dreams are also telling me that letting him go was the best decision I have ever made because now I can pursue the dreams I had in the first place. Now there's no one to stop me or hold me back. I looked at a ton of graphics for my blog today and I found a bunch saying "I'm his". Why the hell would I ever want to belong to someone? Am I some t-shirt or notebook that says "This belongs to..." No. I think not. I am my own person and the next Mr. who comes around had better realize that I am not "his" I am me and I am with him. I don't wanna be the dependent girlfriend who follows her boyfriend around with huge puppy dog eyes. That's not going to be me again.

Tonight, my sweet Sydney Ann, my guinea pig left me. She passed away in my arms. She's been sick for a long time and I held her and prayed that God would take away her pain. I sang her God Bless the Broken Road and she left me after that song. Rest in peace my sweet little girl. I'll love you forever.

Portland Update

So! I am moving on the 15th of September! Which, as of yesterday was exactly one month from now! I can't believe my adventure in Portland is around the corner! Recently, I feel like a total scavenger. I've been hunting for crazy deals all over the place. Yesterday I got my couch, thanks to a friend of my mom's. So now there will be a place to sit (and sleep, there's a pull out bed) when people come over. I'm still looking for something to divide my room with, and also a couple of bar stools for the kitchen. Then there's still what to put all over those boring, white walls of mine. Hmm..that will take some creativity. What's next on the list? A slipcover for that couch. I really didn't realize just how spendy those things are! So I'm on the look out for a comfy slipcover. As for the rest of my stuff I pretty much have it all together. Now to find boxes to put it all in.

Just thought I give an update :)

Teenage Dream

People always push you to grow up too fast. They push you to make snap decisions and choices and then act like its all in a day's work. We have like 2 years to decide what college we go to and then 2 years to decide what we're going to do with for the rest of our life. And what happens when we don't know? People look at us like we're lazy idiots who don't have a clue. Who says things have to sped up for them to work? I'm all for speeding up the time clock, but that's only if it's right for you. It was right for me because I couldn't be in my high school any longer. For others, things could be great. We're always supposed to look to the future, to the next thing. My point I guess is that if something is going to happen it will happen no matter what you do. Sometimes its the decision not to make a decision that changes everything. It could be the determining factor in what to do is just to simply do nothing and let things figure themselves out. That's what I'm learning to do, slowly, but surely. There are things in this world that require immediate attention but there are others where it is simply out of your hands. So the only thing you can do is continue living and let life play itself out.

To the Beat of Our Noisy Hearts

I have a journal called The Happy Book. It's slowly going to contain all of the things that make me the happiest, so guaranteed shopping and shoes are a given on that list. I guess this is an update about me really, a happy update on how I am now. A month or so back life was really rough and it was one of those things where I really didn't think I'd be able to pick myself up from again. Silly me though, I think I forgot who I was. Army brat, parents divorced, graduated in 3 years, seriously is there anything I can't handle? So those first weeks were rough and I totally doubted myself because I had truly lost who I was. I depended on Erik to the point of losing my own identity of who I was without him. There were times I had it back but I lost it just as quick. I realize now just how low my standards got. I fell into a mindless routine that now that I look back on it I tell myself "Thank goodness you're done with that mess!" I settled. I honestly settled for someone I thought could make me happy and I planned on spending the rest of my life with him. Happy ending. Story over. Now I see what a HUGE MISTAKE that would've been! I hate settling and I'm not going to do it ever again. I want a guy who wants to give me the world and who will serve it up for me on a silver platter that he hand forged from the silver that he mined. Get my drift? :) So until I find that guy I will live my life like crazy and make the most of every day. I will enjoy the sunshine, the rain, and the clouds in between. Things have happened to me this past week that one, I can't explain, and two, mean more to me then my entire relationship with Erik did. I had the most perfect summer night and it never would've happened if I was still with him. I was so afraid this summer would be something I wanted to forget but it ended up being the summer I want to remember for the rest of my life.

I traveled....

I got my heart broken...

I changed...

I gave up on love....

But it didn't give up on me...

 So now I take chances...

Cuz I know one day this will be me...

But for now I'm happy going on my own path...

 Cuz I'm sitting pretty and I love the view from here...

This is my summer to remember...