A Unexpected Fork in the Road

          I've started writing this post more then 3 times but each time I had to stop because I was crying so much. I lost my boyfriend a few weeks ago, as hard as I try not to keep track of the days that pass me by. 13 months. Over a year of spending almost every day with someone you love and cherish only to have them let you go and decide that all you have to give is not enough for them. 1 year and a month, only to have to go to his house and get my stuff back and say goodbye to his cat without him being there at all. 13 months, only to have my heart broken into thousands of pieces with no one but myself to pick them up again. Over a year, only to have the guy you love act like you're the horrible person.
         There's a long pause in my head right now, this contemplative pause of simply, "What now?" I honestly thought he was the first guy who understood me so I let myself go. I let myself go completely without a thought because I was sure he would take care of my heart because he already knew it had been broken time and time again.
        There's a part of me that just wishes he would've waited. We had so much before us! I'm going to college, he was going to be a senior in college, I'd be living alone in Portland and there would be so many adventures we could have together. That's one of the hardest parts because I feel like there was so much that we could've done but never got the chance. So I have to do it all alone.
        I feel like I'm back at the beginning, where there's only myself left and I have to pick myself up and fix my life. At the same time, it's like I don't want to be anything else without him even as silly as that sounds. There are moments where I want so much for him to be with me again even though that will never happen. We've been through so much together. I've been trying to build up this hatred toward him but everytime I actually think about him it melts away.
        I have to get back into my mindset that I had before Erik: that I have to take care of myself, rely on myself, because I'm the only person who won't break me. Maybe if I'd have kept this mindset before Erik things wouldn't have ended this way with me left hanging and wondering where to go and who to turn to.
        This leads me to my fork in the road. One side leads to dreaming that if I talked to him we could work it out. It's this hope that remains because I'm still in love with him. I say this while fully trying my hardest not to be. Love just doesn't disappear when you want it to unfortunately, as much as I wish I could just hate him and never care again. The other side is standing alone, and learning how to do that again. Learning how to be me again, self-reliant. Learning how to be alone again.
        So as much as I can hope that he'd come back and that I wouldn't be alone again that in itself is a vain and hopeless hope to have. I know him, I spent enough time to know that once he's made a decision it's done. There's no point in wishing because once he burns a bridge its burned. So my only option now is to continue my path alone and hope that one day he leaves my heart forever so that I can finish rebuilding it again.
    

Just a day, just an ordinary day
Just tryin' to get by
Just a boy, just an ordinary boy
But he was looking to the sky

And as he asked if I would come along
I started to realize
That every day he finds just what he's looking for
Like a shooting star he shines

And he said, "Take my hand
Live while you can
Don't you see your dreams lie right
In the palm of your hand?"

And as he spoke, he spoke ordinary words
Although they did not feel, no
For I felt what I had not felt before
And you'd swear those words couldn't heal that

And as I looked up into those eyes
His vision borrows mine
And I know he's no stranger
For I feel I've held him for all of time

And he said, "Take my hand
Live while you can
Don't you see your dreams right
In the palm of your hand"
In the palm of your hand

Please come with me
See what I see
Touch the stars for time will not flee
Time will not flee, can't you see?

Just a dream, just an ordinary dream
As I wake in bed
And the boy, that ordinary boy
Or was it all in my head?

Didn't he ask if I would come along?
It all seemed so real
But as I looked to the door
I saw that boy standing there with a deal

And he said, "Take my hand
Live while you can
Don't you see your dreams lie right
In the palm of your hand"
In the palm of your hand, in the palm of your hand

Just a day, just an ordinary day
Just tryin to get by
Just a boy, just an ordinary boy
But he was looking to the sky

Ordinary Day by Vanessa Carlton