Life's a Mobile

My life's totally crazy. I think I forget that a lot. My life's also way different from a lot people. I think I forget that too. It's really easy to get caught up in your surroundings and lose who you are. I don't want to ever lose who I am again. I started to get so dependent on other people to determine who I am. Their name was my name and I was happy with that. Now though, there's a new situation ahead of me and no one can experience it but me. No one can be associated with it and live it because the situation is mine only to live. I have so much ahead of me and at times I think that God didn't want anything to hold me back. I think to some extent he wants me to experience this change to its fullest potential, even if that means I need to experience it alone. I'm not alone though. I may not have this one person who I am closest to, but I have people in my life that love and care about me. These people have stuck by me through all the rough patches and the happy smiles. They are people who have told me not to walk between the lines and to live life the way I want. They have showed me that there are times when its best to go the opposite direction and be happy about it. So yes, my current situation could be much better in my mind, but who knows? I can guarantee you right now that it'll be better the way I am at this very moment. I'm slowly coming into that reality. Love isn't all there is in life. It was my only goal, but now its not. I wanna live, really live my life. I want to look back on right now 10 years ago and go, "Wow. I really made the most of those years. I rocked!" So my life's a mobile, everything's changing, but I couldn't ask for more. Except for it to go faster, that is.

My Heart's in the Right Place..I Swear

Today was a good day. I can honestly say that for the first time in awhile. I realize that I really hate the word alright because it is such a let down. You can't be okay or happy, you're alright. To me, that just means you're barely hanging on to life as you know it. I hate it though because no one wants to be thought of like that or in the same way, think of their lives like that. You can't change you're feelings though. If you're alright, you're alright, there's no sense lying to yourself. People do that everyday and that erks me too. There comes a point though when I get so sick of being just alright. I want to be so much more then one boring little descriptive word! I want to be....

Impressed by the big things.

As well as the small...

And to find someone who I can give my whole heart to. Someone who actually wants to have it.

So we'll see what happens :)
Pictures from today..

One step forward, two steps back. Well at least I'm going somewhere ;)

I Wish You Could See What I See

       The last few weeks have been rough, but I'm getting through it. My friends are what have definitely made it better. My big brother Micah and Ryan have been so amazing lately. I love em so much! They have been my friends since my freshman year and I hope that continues! I know they have my back. My BWB Kristi has been awesome too! It's been a rough month for the both of us but we're getting through it together. Right now we're at Resort at the Mountain near Mt. Hood. We had so much fun taking pictures today!

These are just some of them :)
We also went on this sketchy adventure to thriftway tonight! It was totally worth it though because we got our dark chocolate ice cream which was so amazing. I also got peanut butter M+Ms which were delicious as well.

Tomorrow's agenda is the pool. I'll post more pictures tomorrow!

But for now....

Cherish Yesterday

Dream Tomorrow

Live Like Crazy Today

Loves,

Kate

Single Life

          What I just realized a few minutes ago about my current single life. When you go on a trip, no one misses you, and you don't miss anyone. Before I used to dread saying goodbye but I loved coming home to someone who loves me, someone who was waiting for me when I got home. Now there's no one to say goodbye too and no one to come home to. In a way I can see that as if one day I find a place I like I'll just stay there because there's no reason to come back for. In another way its the most depressing thing ever, because not having someone there for you is like living in a world by yourself. I think that's why people have dogs. They'll miss you and they'll say goodbye to you. Now for the first time, I don't have anyone to leave and no one to say "I missed you" to. Between all the tears and laughs lately, I can't decide whether or not that's a good thing.

Okay, I just decided its definitely a good thing. I don't want someone waiting for me when I get home. I'd rather have a dog. If I have someone waiting on me that means I have somewhere I always need to be. If i don't I can be wherever, do whatever. That's what I want and what I'm living right now.

Cherish Yesterday

Dream Tomorrow

Live Like Crazy Today

  (twilight-review.com)

And I also decided I needed a picture of him on my blog.... :)

LOVES!

Kate <3 

A Unexpected Fork in the Road

          I've started writing this post more then 3 times but each time I had to stop because I was crying so much. I lost my boyfriend a few weeks ago, as hard as I try not to keep track of the days that pass me by. 13 months. Over a year of spending almost every day with someone you love and cherish only to have them let you go and decide that all you have to give is not enough for them. 1 year and a month, only to have to go to his house and get my stuff back and say goodbye to his cat without him being there at all. 13 months, only to have my heart broken into thousands of pieces with no one but myself to pick them up again. Over a year, only to have the guy you love act like you're the horrible person.
         There's a long pause in my head right now, this contemplative pause of simply, "What now?" I honestly thought he was the first guy who understood me so I let myself go. I let myself go completely without a thought because I was sure he would take care of my heart because he already knew it had been broken time and time again.
        There's a part of me that just wishes he would've waited. We had so much before us! I'm going to college, he was going to be a senior in college, I'd be living alone in Portland and there would be so many adventures we could have together. That's one of the hardest parts because I feel like there was so much that we could've done but never got the chance. So I have to do it all alone.
        I feel like I'm back at the beginning, where there's only myself left and I have to pick myself up and fix my life. At the same time, it's like I don't want to be anything else without him even as silly as that sounds. There are moments where I want so much for him to be with me again even though that will never happen. We've been through so much together. I've been trying to build up this hatred toward him but everytime I actually think about him it melts away.
        I have to get back into my mindset that I had before Erik: that I have to take care of myself, rely on myself, because I'm the only person who won't break me. Maybe if I'd have kept this mindset before Erik things wouldn't have ended this way with me left hanging and wondering where to go and who to turn to.
        This leads me to my fork in the road. One side leads to dreaming that if I talked to him we could work it out. It's this hope that remains because I'm still in love with him. I say this while fully trying my hardest not to be. Love just doesn't disappear when you want it to unfortunately, as much as I wish I could just hate him and never care again. The other side is standing alone, and learning how to do that again. Learning how to be me again, self-reliant. Learning how to be alone again.
        So as much as I can hope that he'd come back and that I wouldn't be alone again that in itself is a vain and hopeless hope to have. I know him, I spent enough time to know that once he's made a decision it's done. There's no point in wishing because once he burns a bridge its burned. So my only option now is to continue my path alone and hope that one day he leaves my heart forever so that I can finish rebuilding it again.
    

Just a day, just an ordinary day
Just tryin' to get by
Just a boy, just an ordinary boy
But he was looking to the sky

And as he asked if I would come along
I started to realize
That every day he finds just what he's looking for
Like a shooting star he shines

And he said, "Take my hand
Live while you can
Don't you see your dreams lie right
In the palm of your hand?"

And as he spoke, he spoke ordinary words
Although they did not feel, no
For I felt what I had not felt before
And you'd swear those words couldn't heal that

And as I looked up into those eyes
His vision borrows mine
And I know he's no stranger
For I feel I've held him for all of time

And he said, "Take my hand
Live while you can
Don't you see your dreams right
In the palm of your hand"
In the palm of your hand

Please come with me
See what I see
Touch the stars for time will not flee
Time will not flee, can't you see?

Just a dream, just an ordinary dream
As I wake in bed
And the boy, that ordinary boy
Or was it all in my head?

Didn't he ask if I would come along?
It all seemed so real
But as I looked to the door
I saw that boy standing there with a deal

And he said, "Take my hand
Live while you can
Don't you see your dreams lie right
In the palm of your hand"
In the palm of your hand, in the palm of your hand

Just a day, just an ordinary day
Just tryin to get by
Just a boy, just an ordinary boy
But he was looking to the sky

Ordinary Day by Vanessa Carlton

Cupcake Madness

I haven't written lately because as most of you know that guy I wrote so much about before is out of my life for good. He left me hanging. So now this blog really is talking about a completely new stage of my life, which for some reason I'm thinking is a good thing. The past two weeks have been really rough but now I feel like I can move on a bit and get back into the grove of things. So here we go...

Cupcakes have got to be one of the best things in the world and today I made some pretty damn beautiful cupcakes.

Aren't they absolutely gorgeous???

I also got to spend time with one of my best friends, Ashley. I've known her since kindergarten. We've had so many good times! It was great to spend time catching up with her and having fun over jewelry. We now have a traveling necklace! Between her, me, and her sister we have a necklace that'll get passed between us. It's going to be awesome. I'll have a picture when i get it :)

Also..at some point in time I'll have a post about the break up but not just yet. I need a little more time. 

Loves,
Kate

Rangers…"LEAD THE WAY!"

        So I write on my return trip back to Portland. My first confession is that I wish it was longer. I am so not ready to be back in Portland. I could've stayed a couple more weeks i'm sure. My trip was nothing short of amazing. Yes the humidity nearly killed me, but I made it through with a smile on my face. This post is about the highlights, since I didn't have internet while I was gone.
    Ft. Benning, GA. That's where I've been the past week. It's the Army's main training post for incoming soldiers and the Rangers. The Rangers are elite soldiers. Ever seen Black Hawk Down? Those were the U.S. Army Rangers and on top of that two of those men were Medal of Honor recipients. .My dad became a Ranger there and now he's Battalion Commander at the WTC (Warrior Training Center) at Ft. Benning. He's in charge of a lot of soldiers now. I'm pretty sure this is my dad's favorite job.

    Probably the best thing there was going to the DZ (Drop Zone) and watching soldiers getting their Pathfinder tab parachute from a helicopter. It was so cool!

    My next highlight has got to be seeing my puppy (well, he's a little older now) Charlie. I miss that dog so much. One thing I learned there is that everyone on base has a dog. This ranged from a tiny little yorkie named Boca (don't be fooled, this dog's got an attitude) to Kieole, or Taz as we called him, the Golden, to Max, a German Shepherd/ Great Dane mix that sort of resembled Scooby-doo. So Charlie's got a lot of friends…and enemies (Boca absolutely hates him).
    Then there's Riese, my little brother. Seeing him was awesome. I miss that boy so much even though I probably don't show it. We spent hours playing Lego Batman on his Xbox. It was really fun. (picture)
    Next has got to be the general atmosphere of the place. In Portland, I've learned joining the military is a bad thing, something looked at as giving your life away. Here military pride is the biggest thing around. If you don't know someone in the military or aren't in it yourself people look at you like "What are you thinking?" Seeing the new soldiers just starting basic (Basic Training) and seeing some of the OCS (Officer Candidate School, for people joining that already graduated) guys really made me feel at home. It made me happy to know the military is still something to be proud of. I loved going the PX (Post Exchange, basically the shopping center) and being surrounded by military families. There's pride in being one of them too. I went to the NIM (National Infantry Museum) and it was amazing to see the exhibits. There's so much that the Infantrymen have been involved him since the Revolutionary War. There was also an exhibit about Ft. Benning showing shots of men going through basic and just their general schedule and things.
    Ft. Benning still has a part of my heart in it and so does the military. I think being there woke up that spirit in me again. This does not mean that I will become a soldier but it does mean I will more than happily become an army wife in the blink of an eye. Also, next summer I'm planning on spending the summer there interning.

HOOAH!!!

love always,
Kate