Before I Break

In the past few weekends I've made decisions, I've made promises, I've hurt people, and I've been hurt. I've had realizations and aspirations. Now I'm at the point where I question everything I do and every move I've made. I may be the most indecisive I've ever been in my life. I wanna run so far away and get my thoughts in order. I don't know how to love, who to love, and where the hell my heart is. I feel like every move I'm making is taking two steps back. I don't know which decision is the right and which is wrong. I don't wanna let go I know that with all my heart, so I won't. I want him to hold my heart but I find myself wanting to do the same. I don't know who can hold my heart or if it was a job I was meant to do alone. I know this is a complete 180 from my last post but I assure you in a few weeks things will be back to normal. Its just one of those things. How can circumstances be so similar yet so different? Why do I feel like crying my eyes out? My life is good, my friends are wonderful, and for once I can smile for no reason at all. Now, my heartaches, it breaks because it knows nothing will change and I have to stop getting my hopes up. I have to be happy with the way things are and that's it. I cannot want something more when that's not going to happen. I have to love the way I should've been all along. I have to love completely and unconditionally. I cannot think of excuses or accept them. I understand that things have happened which have proved to be the wrong thing at the time. Those things have proved themselves useful in that I know the decision I made was the right one. However, now I have reached an impasse which breaks my heart because this is one thing that does not involve a decision. It does not involve giving but giving up. The one thing I wish I could change the most is the one thing that is out of my hands.

 

I'm a little bit of a lost cause.