Hard to forget, even harder to remember.

It's extremely difficult for me not to want to delete almost everything on this blog right now. So much has changed, so many mistakes made, but so little regret for the choices I've made because I believe that I've made them for the right intentions even if it didn't look that way. I'm tired of being the bad guy, the screw up and being scared. I'm ready for something different. I need a change and most of all, I just need a freaking hug. I feel like that would make life a little bit more bearable right now.

Before I Break

In the past few weekends I've made decisions, I've made promises, I've hurt people, and I've been hurt. I've had realizations and aspirations. Now I'm at the point where I question everything I do and every move I've made. I may be the most indecisive I've ever been in my life. I wanna run so far away and get my thoughts in order. I don't know how to love, who to love, and where the hell my heart is. I feel like every move I'm making is taking two steps back. I don't know which decision is the right and which is wrong. I don't wanna let go I know that with all my heart, so I won't. I want him to hold my heart but I find myself wanting to do the same. I don't know who can hold my heart or if it was a job I was meant to do alone. I know this is a complete 180 from my last post but I assure you in a few weeks things will be back to normal. Its just one of those things. How can circumstances be so similar yet so different? Why do I feel like crying my eyes out? My life is good, my friends are wonderful, and for once I can smile for no reason at all. Now, my heartaches, it breaks because it knows nothing will change and I have to stop getting my hopes up. I have to be happy with the way things are and that's it. I cannot want something more when that's not going to happen. I have to love the way I should've been all along. I have to love completely and unconditionally. I cannot think of excuses or accept them. I understand that things have happened which have proved to be the wrong thing at the time. Those things have proved themselves useful in that I know the decision I made was the right one. However, now I have reached an impasse which breaks my heart because this is one thing that does not involve a decision. It does not involve giving but giving up. The one thing I wish I could change the most is the one thing that is out of my hands.

 

I'm a little bit of a lost cause.

Where The Story Begins

 The Summer Nights were endlessWe felt the wind through our hairThe grass beneath our feetWe looked to each other Like we were the only ones in the worldWith no inkling that the end would ever come
Our thoughts we had were racingOur dreams were spinningDid they match?Would we make it through this endless turmoil?Would life ever be happy? 
He held my hand so tightly And looked into my eyesIn that very moment i knew it wasn't a lieWhere we went from hereWhere we were goingIt all didn't matter
On that Summer Night I knew we'd be foreverI knew we both would never be the same.

my boyfriend is:the kind of guy who buys me coffeethe kind of guy who holds me when i'm stressedthe kind of guy who gets methe kind of guy who puts up with my diet coke addictionthe kind of guy who listens the kind of guy who's crazythe kind of guy who's sweetthe kind of guy that has changed my lifethe kind of guy who i'd get a tattoo withthe kind of guy who i'll love forever. 

My Love Story

4 Months of falling in love.

4 days of an amazing adventure.

Now I'm looking forward to 4ever. 

I decided I had better write about this since its made such a huge impact on my life and its only gotten better this past few weekends. I have always dreamed about falling in love in some magical way and that I'd know immediately that he was "the one". As I grew up and life got harder I gave up on that idea. I even thought maybe I'd never find love and I would have to deal with that. Then something unexpected happened. The last person I would think of, the person I never thought I could love, the person I had never been that close to, that's who I fell in love with. We were so incredibly different in my mind. He's more of the class clown type and I'm more of the type who, if left alone, would have no fun at all. We were completely different until we discovered that we really weren't. Our ideals, our goals, our dreams, our pasts, they were all similar and somewhat rocky. From the first actual serious conversation we had we knew we understood each other. From then on it was learning more about each other and then we found ourselves falling in love.

 

The funnest thing we discovered about each other (more him about me then the other way around) was that we both share a love of nice cars beyond the average normal human being. He built his BMW and I actually know cars. Yes. I'm a girl :) 

Life's already tried to throw many things in our way but I believe that if two people just fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, you can't just give that up. You can't just say it might not be worth it. For awhile I thought that in college the goal is to be single and just have fun. Okay it is for some people, but I really like being in love. I'll give up the so-called college life if I get to spend the rest of my life with him. 

 I guess my head used to go back and forth in these things of love and life. Now I have no idea why I wavered for so long. I can't believe how quickly things can change. I've thrown away the what could've been and jumped into the most amazing love story that I never imagined would happen to me.

 There's no way in this world that this wasn't supposed to happen or a mistake. I truly do believe that with all my heart. Two people don't fall in love like this all the time. 

So welcome to my improv fairytale. :) its a crazy wonderful love story that I hope will last forever.

I love you Joshua and I always will.

Every Dream That I Lost

This year I felt like I was always coming up a little short or that things weren't going as well as I thought they needed to be. I thought that this year and especially this summer was going to be the turning point for me and that everything would be wonderful. Well things don't always go the way you want and they certainly don't follow your plans. 2010 will forever be the year I graduated early, said goodbye to highschool, goodbye to my ex-boyfriend, goodbye to living at home, and jumped into a new set of circumstances. I moved out on my own without any support from friends and no boy to stand by me. I got used to my new life on my own and didn't need anyone's help. I think I didn't have a boyfriend at that time because God wanted to make sure I did it on my own. I wasn't that sort of dependent girl but with the guy I was with I was. I think He wanted me to do this to prove to myself I really didn't need him.

After that was over, I met this wonderful boy. I wondered if it was too soon after the last one but now I'm positive that it wasn't too early. I love this guy with all my heart. He's made such a big impact on my life and I can't imagine it without him. Its nice to be with someone who actually gets you and even after that wants to love you every day. Now its 2011 and I hope I spend this year and many more with him. This past year was shaky, unsure, and full of new beginnings. This year I hope will be a year of finding my bearings and grabbing hold of where I want to start going in the future. I know that he will be with me every step of the way and I'll be there for him. There's no way I'm letting something this good pass me by. I know there's going to be ups and downs but that's how life is. I've learned that more and more every single year. We hold on to life and pray that nothing will break us away from the moment we're in but if we stay like that we forbid a better moment from happening to us. Yes, a dozen bad ones may be in between the good ones, but the pain is worth it to get to the love in the end. If there was no bad then good would not exist. For every dream that I lost I gained in this past year. For every dream I will dream this year I know one will not happen, but that doesn't matter so much as know who I am without them.

Now I'm starting a new term in school, and feeling more solid then ever. I'm ready to start enjoying this year and making it the best it can be. I'm so thankful I have my friends, family, and Joshua. There's so much ahead and so much behind me. I can't wait to see what this year holds for me.

A Sinatra Christmas

Let me start by saying that Christmas is one of the most up and down holidays for me every year. Up because its Christmas after all. Its a time for friends, family, LOVE, and presents. Down because it is one of the worst memories of my entire life. Christmas will forever be the day that my entire family was ripped apart at the seams and has never been the same. And though those memories are almost 5 years old, I still remember them like they were yesterday. I swear I feel them like it was yesterday. Since that time I have hated Christmas. I just couldn't be happy when it was a reminder of such a painful day. Well its pretty much been five years since then and now I'm out on my own. I'm pleased to say that things have changed. The Christmas music is being played for the first time in 5 years, I have a little tree, and lights are strung throughout my apartment. All of these things bring a huge smile to my face. I used to wear black on Christmas because I hated it so much but now I have a cute red sweater and red and green plaid to wear on Christmas. Now some of you people are probably thinking, "Well she has her eyes fixed on material things. Wow how freaking shallow!" Okay let me combat that by saying that you should try enjoying Christmas when it also happens to be the day that a part of your heart died and that you wished you could forget forever. There you go, that's such a merry Christmas isn't it? So allow me this one small milestone to mark the 5 years its been since that awful night. I must say that things are finally getting better.

This Christmas was particularly amazing because I spent part of it with Josh. I know all you readers are probably getting sick of it but I can't help it. He's become such an essential part of my life and I love him! :) His family is wonderful too, its so nice to be finally accepted and loved.

Now I'm off to the beach with Joshua and his family to spend New Years. I'm soooo excited! It's going to be amazing :)

2010 was one interesting year. I graduated, moved on, and now I'm in college ready to start my 2nd term. I'm so excited to see what 2011 has in store for me. I ready for a crazy good kind of wonderful year. 

happy new year loves :)-Kate

Thankful...

Once again, I know its been awhile since you've heard from me but things are always so crazy in my life. I'm back for now :)
I gotta start by saying that this past Thanksgiving was absolutely wonderful. I was able to spend it with my boyfriend's family all day long.

Of course because its Thanksgiving, I thought about the many things I'm thankful for.

• First, as always I'm thankful for my family. My mom has been working so hard to keep everything together since I'm not around as much anymore. Riese is doing so well in school this year and that is awesome. That boy has so much potential. I'm thankful that my relationship with my dad is getting better and better and that Annemarie and I are able to hold a conversation.
• Second, I'm thankful for my wonderful boyfriend, Joshua. He is the BEST. No one has by back like he does and just that piece of mind is amazing. We have both gone through so much we have our eyes set on better things ahead. Life is definitely hard but its blessings are why its worth living. He is a light in my life and just knowing him makes my life so much better. Its so wonderful to be with someone you can be so silly with but have a connection with as well. I get to be part of a love story.

• Third, I'm thankful for my first term at Portland State. I was really worried about college and making friends and professors and all that, but this term has definitely eased my worries. I found friends, successfully wrote tons of papers, and found a major. OH YEAH. I'm majoring in International Studies focused on European Studies. My major means that I get to take lit classes and have them count towards my major! Although I'm debating whether or not to minor in English because I definitely love literature. 

• I'm also thankful for my Winter Term schedule and that I was able to register without too many issues. I'm taking an intro to sociology class, a 300 level Shakespeare class, my freshman required class, and just for fun I'm taking a survey of American Lit. Yes that's right! I'm taking a literature class for fun! :)
• Additionally, I'm thankful that I don't have any 8am classes this term and that I don't have to take any Friday classes. 
• Lastly, I'm thankful for Landon. My boyfriend Josh is going to be a wonderful uncle to this little boy. This little boy is such a blessing to their family, especially Josh's mom. Adam left them a legacy and God gave them hope. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. 

My Thanksgiving this year consisted of a wonderful breakfast with Josh and his family. Then a movie:

Tangled

I love this movie! The horse was definitely my favorite character but its so much more than the typical Disney princess movie. The characters are a little deeper and the guy's a little dreamier. HAHA.
After the movie, it was coffee and talking until dinner time. Dinner was amazing! I loved meeting more of his family and spending time with all of them. The food was the best! Everything in there family is so laid back and silly and I love that.

This Thanksgiving was absolutely amazing and I look forward to more holidays with Josh. Well, this first term is nearly over and done. Next week is finals so I'm sure I'll disappear til those are finished. Its the home stretch and I'm so gonna make it.