Kate Takes Portland

Hard to forget, even harder to remember.

2011-10-28T01:47:00.000-07:00

It's extremely difficult for me not to want to delete almost everything on this blog right now. So much has changed, so many mistakes made, but so little regret for the choices I've made because I believe that I've made them for the right intentions even if it didn't look that way. I'm tired of being the bad guy, the screw up and being scared. I'm ready for something different. I need a change and most of all, I just need a freaking hug. I feel like that would make life a little bit more bearable right now.

Before I Break

2011-01-21T23:12:00.000-08:00

In the past few weekends I've made decisions, I've made promises, I've hurt people, and I've been hurt. I've had realizations and aspirations. Now I'm at the point where I question everything I do and every move I've made. I may be the most indecisive I've ever been in my life. I wanna run so far away and get my thoughts in order. I don't know how to love, who to love, and where the hell my heart is. I feel like every move I'm making is taking two steps back. I don't know which decision is the right and which is wrong. I don't wanna let go I know that with all my heart, so I won't. I want him to hold my heart but I find myself wanting to do the same. I don't know who can hold my heart or if it was a job I was meant to do alone. I know this is a complete 180 from my last post but I assure you in a few weeks things will be back to normal. Its just one of those things. How can circumstances be so similar yet so different? Why do I feel like crying my eyes out? My life is good, my friends are wonderful, and for once I can smile for no reason at all. Now, my heartaches, it breaks because it knows nothing will change and I have to stop getting my hopes up. I have to be happy with the way things are and that's it. I cannot want something more when that's not going to happen. I have to love the way I should've been all along. I have to love completely and unconditionally. I cannot think of excuses or accept them. I understand that things have happened which have proved to be the wrong thing at the time. Those things have proved themselves useful in that I know the decision I made was the right one. However, now I have reached an impasse which breaks my heart because this is one thing that does not involve a decision. It does not involve giving but giving up. The one thing I wish I could change the most is the one thing that is out of my hands.

I'm a little bit of a lost cause.

Where The Story Begins

2011-01-10T00:03:00.000-08:00

The Summer Nights were endlessWe felt the wind through our hairThe grass beneath our feetWe looked to each other Like we were the only ones in the worldWith no inkling that the end would ever come
Our thoughts we had were racingOur dreams were spinningDid they match?Would we make it through this endless turmoil?Would life ever be happy?
He held my hand so tightly And looked into my eyesIn that very moment i knew it wasn't a lieWhere we went from hereWhere we were goingIt all didn't matter
On that Summer Night I knew we'd be foreverI knew we both would never be the same.

my boyfriend is:the kind of guy who buys me coffeethe kind of guy who holds me when i'm stressedthe kind of guy who gets methe kind of guy who puts up with my diet coke addictionthe kind of guy who listens the kind of guy who's crazythe kind of guy who's sweetthe kind of guy that has changed my lifethe kind of guy who i'd get a tattoo withthe kind of guy who i'll love forever.

My Love Story

2011-01-03T23:01:00.000-08:00

4 Months of falling in love.

4 days of an amazing adventure.

Now I'm looking forward to 4ever.

I decided I had better write about this since its made such a huge impact on my life and its only gotten better this past few weekends. I have always dreamed about falling in love in some magical way and that I'd know immediately that he was "the one". As I grew up and life got harder I gave up on that idea. I even thought maybe I'd never find love and I would have to deal with that. Then something unexpected happened. The last person I would think of, the person I never thought I could love, the person I had never been that close to, that's who I fell in love with. We were so incredibly different in my mind. He's more of the class clown type and I'm more of the type who, if left alone, would have no fun at all. We were completely different until we discovered that we really weren't. Our ideals, our goals, our dreams, our pasts, they were all similar and somewhat rocky. From the first actual serious conversation we had we knew we understood each other. From then on it was learning more about each other and then we found ourselves falling in love.

The funnest thing we discovered about each other (more him about me then the other way around) was that we both share a love of nice cars beyond the average normal human being. He built his BMW and I actually know cars. Yes. I'm a girl :)

Life's already tried to throw many things in our way but I believe that if two people just fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, you can't just give that up. You can't just say it might not be worth it. For awhile I thought that in college the goal is to be single and just have fun. Okay it is for some people, but I really like being in love. I'll give up the so-called college life if I get to spend the rest of my life with him.

I guess my head used to go back and forth in these things of love and life. Now I have no idea why I wavered for so long. I can't believe how quickly things can change. I've thrown away the what could've been and jumped into the most amazing love story that I never imagined would happen to me.

There's no way in this world that this wasn't supposed to happen or a mistake. I truly do believe that with all my heart. Two people don't fall in love like this all the time.

So welcome to my improv fairytale. :) its a crazy wonderful love story that I hope will last forever.

I love you Joshua and I always will.

Every Dream That I Lost

2011-01-02T19:41:00.000-08:00

This year I felt like I was always coming up a little short or that things weren't going as well as I thought they needed to be. I thought that this year and especially this summer was going to be the turning point for me and that everything would be wonderful. Well things don't always go the way you want and they certainly don't follow your plans. 2010 will forever be the year I graduated early, said goodbye to highschool, goodbye to my ex-boyfriend, goodbye to living at home, and jumped into a new set of circumstances. I moved out on my own without any support from friends and no boy to stand by me. I got used to my new life on my own and didn't need anyone's help. I think I didn't have a boyfriend at that time because God wanted to make sure I did it on my own. I wasn't that sort of dependent girl but with the guy I was with I was. I think He wanted me to do this to prove to myself I really didn't need him.

After that was over, I met this wonderful boy. I wondered if it was too soon after the last one but now I'm positive that it wasn't too early. I love this guy with all my heart. He's made such a big impact on my life and I can't imagine it without him. Its nice to be with someone who actually gets you and even after that wants to love you every day. Now its 2011 and I hope I spend this year and many more with him. This past year was shaky, unsure, and full of new beginnings. This year I hope will be a year of finding my bearings and grabbing hold of where I want to start going in the future. I know that he will be with me every step of the way and I'll be there for him. There's no way I'm letting something this good pass me by. I know there's going to be ups and downs but that's how life is. I've learned that more and more every single year. We hold on to life and pray that nothing will break us away from the moment we're in but if we stay like that we forbid a better moment from happening to us. Yes, a dozen bad ones may be in between the good ones, but the pain is worth it to get to the love in the end. If there was no bad then good would not exist. For every dream that I lost I gained in this past year. For every dream I will dream this year I know one will not happen, but that doesn't matter so much as know who I am without them.

Now I'm starting a new term in school, and feeling more solid then ever. I'm ready to start enjoying this year and making it the best it can be. I'm so thankful I have my friends, family, and Joshua. There's so much ahead and so much behind me. I can't wait to see what this year holds for me.

A Sinatra Christmas

2010-12-29T22:18:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying that Christmas is one of the most up and down holidays for me every year. Up because its Christmas after all. Its a time for friends, family, LOVE, and presents. Down because it is one of the worst memories of my entire life. Christmas will forever be the day that my entire family was ripped apart at the seams and has never been the same. And though those memories are almost 5 years old, I still remember them like they were yesterday. I swear I feel them like it was yesterday. Since that time I have hated Christmas. I just couldn't be happy when it was a reminder of such a painful day. Well its pretty much been five years since then and now I'm out on my own. I'm pleased to say that things have changed. The Christmas music is being played for the first time in 5 years, I have a little tree, and lights are strung throughout my apartment. All of these things bring a huge smile to my face. I used to wear black on Christmas because I hated it so much but now I have a cute red sweater and red and green plaid to wear on Christmas. Now some of you people are probably thinking, "Well she has her eyes fixed on material things. Wow how freaking shallow!" Okay let me combat that by saying that you should try enjoying Christmas when it also happens to be the day that a part of your heart died and that you wished you could forget forever. There you go, that's such a merry Christmas isn't it? So allow me this one small milestone to mark the 5 years its been since that awful night. I must say that things are finally getting better.

This Christmas was particularly amazing because I spent part of it with Josh. I know all you readers are probably getting sick of it but I can't help it. He's become such an essential part of my life and I love him! :) His family is wonderful too, its so nice to be finally accepted and loved.

Now I'm off to the beach with Joshua and his family to spend New Years. I'm soooo excited! It's going to be amazing :)

2010 was one interesting year. I graduated, moved on, and now I'm in college ready to start my 2nd term. I'm so excited to see what 2011 has in store for me. I ready for a crazy good kind of wonderful year.

happy new year loves :)-Kate

Thankful...

2010-11-27T13:36:00.000-08:00

Once again, I know its been awhile since you've heard from me but things are always so crazy in my life. I'm back for now :)
I gotta start by saying that this past Thanksgiving was absolutely wonderful. I was able to spend it with my boyfriend's family all day long.

Of course because its Thanksgiving, I thought about the many things I'm thankful for.

First, as always I'm thankful for my family. My mom has been working so hard to keep everything together since I'm not around as much anymore. Riese is doing so well in school this year and that is awesome. That boy has so much potential. I'm thankful that my relationship with my dad is getting better and better and that Annemarie and I are able to hold a conversation.
Second, I'm thankful for my wonderful boyfriend, Joshua. He is the BEST. No one has by back like he does and just that piece of mind is amazing. We have both gone through so much we have our eyes set on better things ahead. Life is definitely hard but its blessings are why its worth living. He is a light in my life and just knowing him makes my life so much better. Its so wonderful to be with someone you can be so silly with but have a connection with as well. I get to be part of a love story.

Third, I'm thankful for my first term at Portland State. I was really worried about college and making friends and professors and all that, but this term has definitely eased my worries. I found friends, successfully wrote tons of papers, and found a major. OH YEAH. I'm majoring in International Studies focused on European Studies. My major means that I get to take lit classes and have them count towards my major! Although I'm debating whether or not to minor in English because I definitely love literature.

I'm also thankful for my Winter Term schedule and that I was able to register without too many issues. I'm taking an intro to sociology class, a 300 level Shakespeare class, my freshman required class, and just for fun I'm taking a survey of American Lit. Yes that's right! I'm taking a literature class for fun! :)
Additionally, I'm thankful that I don't have any 8am classes this term and that I don't have to take any Friday classes.
Lastly, I'm thankful for Landon. My boyfriend Josh is going to be a wonderful uncle to this little boy. This little boy is such a blessing to their family, especially Josh's mom. Adam left them a legacy and God gave them hope. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it.

My Thanksgiving this year consisted of a wonderful breakfast with Josh and his family. Then a movie:

Tangled

I love this movie! The horse was definitely my favorite character but its so much more than the typical Disney princess movie. The characters are a little deeper and the guy's a little dreamier. HAHA.
After the movie, it was coffee and talking until dinner time. Dinner was amazing! I loved meeting more of his family and spending time with all of them. The food was the best! Everything in there family is so laid back and silly and I love that.

This Thanksgiving was absolutely amazing and I look forward to more holidays with Josh. Well, this first term is nearly over and done. Next week is finals so I'm sure I'll disappear til those are finished. Its the home stretch and I'm so gonna make it.

Oh the Envy

2010-11-10T18:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know its been awhile but I have been quite busy with school and people and general happenings and my blog writing has suffered. I apologized. Now I am back to I hope what will be a regular blog writing schedule until finals week in December arrives. So...what's been keeping me so busy lately?

Studying for Midterms...

Portland FRINQ: A, A, B+

Shakespeare: 50/50 on essay, 41/50 on questions, overall B+

umm..gotta say that's not bad. :)

Developing a small crush on Lookbook.nu

Fashion is sooo amazing!

Completely loving the Fall scene...

Clubbing for the first time at 126 with Kenzie....

Planning for Winter Term...

Listening to him a lot lately...

And them too....

Watched this with Johnmark and its great awkward movie to watch with someone you just met...

(HAHAHA)

And that pretty much sums everything up. Life has never brought such a smile to my face.

~wishes~

~dreams(hairwise)~

So everything's been going pretty well lately. I feel like I'm actually learning in college which is a really good feeling. I've been enjoying hot chocolate on a regular basis and coffee is still a well-known staple of mine. I'm excited for the holidays that are coming up, especially Thanksgiving. I'm excited that my dad's coming up from GA to see my brother and me. Life is so wonderful now and I hope it keeps getting better. My friends have been keeping me so hyper and excited for everything and my family has been supporting me tons. I'm almost done with my first term of college at Portland State and I can't wait for winter! On top of everything, 4 day weekend. Thursday spent with Josh, and the rest of it up in the air. Just the way I like it. :)

oh and one more thing...

i got a mouth and i'm not afraid to use it.

Turning 18

2010-10-25T23:44:00.000-07:00

Legally an adult? I think YES.

~~16. 17.~~ 18.

I knew that one day wouldn't make me feel any different. What makes me feel different is looking back on this past year and how much I have changed as a person. So much has changed in my life in the past year and I do not regret any of it. I don't think there's anything I would go back and change if I could. I know that's crazy considering a great deal of hell went on this past year but in the end I think its contributed to the person I am today. Those experiences have made me stronger and a great deal wiser; both in life and in love. If something so radical and painful hadn't have happened I would be back where I was a year ago. A not so helpless girl trapped in a helpless life. That is so not me! I accomplished so much this past year. I graduated early and started college before I turned 18! I fell in love with an amazing guy who I care about so very much. I moved out and I'm living on my own. I accomplished more in one year then most 17 year olds.

My goals for this year are quite simple:
1. to truly enjoy living life

2. to not take love too seriously and still enjoy the little things
3. to not lose my mind over stupid drama
4. to completely accomplish the long list of things I want to do in college
5. to stay focused and still have fun

I had an amazing birthday!

I have hope that this year will be wonderful, more hope then I've had in a long time.

This is my last week as a child? WHAT?

2010-10-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

So I've made it halfway through my first term of college and so far, college is a billion times better then high school. There's a lot more reading but all those little busywork assignments are non-existent. I got my first quiz back today and I aced it. So this week has started off really well and I had a wonderful weekend!

I spent all of Saturday with my wonderful boyfriend who I've hardly seen all month!

We went to Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch, stopped by the Saturday Market, went to Pioneer Square, and then took in the view by Washington Park. We went all over Portland and it was simply amazing. It was definitely one of the best days ever.

I felt like a little kid :D It was fun!

Josh is an excellent photographer!

I could actually say "I can see my house from here!" That never happens. It was so cool haha.

He looks so happy here! He's always smiling...I love that! :)

So this week is going to be a bit crazy. I have class all week and then my birthday dinner on Friday with my family and Josh. Then Sunday is actually my birthday! Sadly though, next week is midterms...SO LAME. I'm still determined to have an awesome birthday though! :D

Hello 18.

fully an adult and fully responsible for all my childish actions now... :p

I've found myself staring at maps a lot lately because of my int'l studies class. This week's map quiz is over Africa. Its made me think of traveling abroad and going somewhere. I don't know where yet but I want to go somewhere. Travel is on my mind at the moment along with everything else I'm thinking about.

I am missing my music.

So this is a recap of the weekend along with today...which is Monday. Today was spent in class nearly falling asleep and trying to not laugh at the silly things we were all doing to keep ourselves entertained. International Studies was spent taking notes furiously while trying to listen to the professor talking. He likes to really get into the lecture. Its funny. After that I celebrated acing my quiz by going out and getting pizza. Now I find myself trying to study for my quiz Wednesday and reading at the same time...I'm such a multitasker. :) This was my Monday. I intend to blog every day this week. It is my last week as a child after all :)

MissIndependent

2010-10-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

I've always been pretty independent. I think I gained that from how I grew up and how fast I had to grow up. In high school, I lost my independence. Between all of the people and my now ex-boyfriend it was hard to stay true to who I was. I felt like I was never happy with who I was. I was always trying to be fit-in. I didn't want to stand out I just wanted to be a part of the crowd. Now in college I'm beginning to see this huge change in myself. That fiery independence is now seeping through my veins and its beginning to show. I am the person I've been hiding all along and I am no longer influenced by anyone else. I don't need anyone to be okay. I am perfectly happy all along. This kinda goes back to the posts after the break-up. I am not going to be the girl who follows her boyfriend like a puppy dog. That is just not me. I'm not saying I am against relationships or that I'm unhappy being in one (cuz i'm not) this fact just goes further to prove my point. I am me. Perfectly capable of living on my own and doing my own thing. I don't need to be walked to school or be helped anywhere. I can be on my own. I've been doing it for almost 18 freaking years.

So this weekend was pretty amazing. College work is keeping me busy, but I'm still managing to have tons of fun. I went to a party with people from my FRINQ class and had a crazy Friday night, hung out with Garrett (who I haven't seen in forever!), and watched Out Cold for the first time with Harlan, Josh, and more people that I hope I can keep getting to know. I love my friends so much!

Oh...btw..my birthday, its in 13 days....

Wishlist:
1. Red or Navy Toms

2. $ for a keyboard

3. A sweet Empyre backpack

4. PSU Sweats (black and say vikings)

5. Food

6. More Diet Coke

7. Nordstrom's Gift Card

8. Cell Phone Case (motorola droid v.1)

9. ipod touch (new one)

10. Build a Bear stuffed animal

oh...and FYI..i'm keeping it low key this year. So just come hang out with me the weekend after my birthday. I've got midterms the 25th :(

(pics via weheartit.com)

Stuck

2010-10-06T17:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've staring at my whole life right now. I'm looking the decisions about love I've made in the past and how they've affected me and continue to affect me. I'm slightly overwhelmed by it all but at the same time its completely captured my attention. My question is was it ever love? Have I ever been in love with someone? I dated someone for over a year and spent basically every waking moment with him. Did i ever really love him? Like I've said in previous posts, the words "I love you" are all too easily spoken. When do you know? When does your relationship with someone take on a different meaning? How do you know? What happens after that? When do we know when we will never love the person we are with? How do you begin to tell that person? When do you give someone up for someone else? Is that ever okay? (Thinking of the movie Letters to Juliet on that one) What if you miss out on your true love? Is that possible? Is there such a thing as true love?

Welcome to my contemplative state of mind. I'm stuck trying to answer all of these questions. I'm beginning to see why love is so complicated: there's way too many aspects of it. I'm thinking about not making a decision again. That worked last time. I think I'll stick to that until it doesn't work for me.

Where. Am. I. Going?
I'll let you know when I figure it out.

(pictures via weheartit.com)

Like a Sinking Ship

2010-10-04T13:12:00.000-07:00

People say we're supposed to live life to the fullest. We're supposed to grab life and make it our own. How do we go about doing that though? How do we do that within the structure that is life? How do we balance our lives with the lives of others?
There's restrictions and rules to how we live our life no matter what. They are determined by the choices we make and some of them are binding contracts. What happens when suddenly you what to jump out of the confines of normality and breathe a breath of fresh air for a minute? Well I know the answer. Life will still be there when you come back and it will sink you like an anchor in the ocean. It will totally remind you of what you left behind and never let you forget it. Pretty much its telling you there is no point in trying but we will still try because that taste of fresh air is the only thing that makes you feel like you can actually do anything or be anything.

Cherish Yesterday

Dream Tomorrow
Live Like Crazy Today

I gotta start living like that again...

I'll Wear Your Heart Around My Neck

2010-09-29T17:30:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm in a long distance relationship right now. Yes, I know, those never work, but I'm considering this a temporary long distance relationship. So it will work. Haha. This will probably be the most lovesick/lame blog post ever, but I have to document this because it is simply the most amazing thing in the world right now.
So storytime:

I got this heart necklace from Forever 21 when I first got to Portland a couple weeks ago. It's a locket. I have a ton of lockets but I never put pictures or anything in them I just like the way they look. I forgot the necklace at my boyfriend's house which was a major bummer. So when I heard he was going to the same volleyball game I was I told him to bring it. When we were saying goodbye he stuck it in my pocket as he left. I didn't think anything of it. I just hopped in my car and began my long journey home. He texted me when I got to the MAX station and said that I should check my heart. Strange right? Then he told me that gave me the last bit of his heart when he left tonight. At this point I was totally caught up in what he was saying to realize what he was trying to get at. Then he said that the rest of his heart was in my jacket pocket. AND BAM! It hit me! That necklace is a locket so I practically jumped and opened it and this is what was inside:

Pretty much the cutest thing in the world :) I smiled the whole way home. It was the most amazing surprise ever. Especially since we haven't been able to spend much time together lately. I have a little piece of him to wear wherever I go. How cute is that? :)

Needless to say it was nice to have since this week has been so long with starting school and everything. So far I absolutely love college and my classes. I have wonderful professors and I know this term is going to be an adjustment but it will be a good adjustment. I go to school smiling and I come home smiling. That is probably the biggest difference as of right now. Right now everything is going so well. I have an amazing class schedule, wonderful friends, an amazing boyfriend, and I love taking care of my apartment. I get homesick from it if I am gone for too long. It's sad but oh well. :D

I love my new life and my new home and I wouldn't trade it for anything else.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"

Glitter Underneath My Fingernails

2010-09-26T16:13:00.000-07:00

This week has been a stressful, depressing, full of love, wonderful kind of week. There are times when I literally thought I was going to break down and cry and there were times when I actually did. There was just so much going on. Getting ready for school, friends, breakups, engagements. I guess you can say this week was filled with emotion, and when your life is filled with that much emotion some will definitely spill out of your heart. There's something so bittersweet about it too. I have never had to balance my happiness and someone else's unhappiness. I had to put my joy on the side because someone needed me more. Then I had to go and find that joy again. Love can be such a crazy wonderful thing. It touches everyone in some way, and that could be good or bad. For me lately, its been good and I'm so happy because for so long it wasn't.

I'm quite enjoying my life in this city. I don't mind the constant car horns, sounds of cars flying by on the street, and the city lights. I love them all.

There's something to be said about a place where everyone is searching for themselves.

This is a good movie. Just be prepared to cry by the end of it. I think everyone is a little lost.

Sidenote: Tomorrow I start school.

And tomorrow is one month.

It's the strangest thing when you realize what you've been missing all along. It's a mix of wow, thank God, and where have you been my whole life? Its truly a wonderful thing. I want to be the girl who loved.

(pictures by Elizabeth Godfrey)

Let school begin.

Are We Gonna Make It?

2010-09-24T15:05:00.000-07:00

This post is about love. Simply because over the past few days I've realized just how hard love really is. Fairytales portray it as fate, something that just happens to you and after that point life's perfect. Well, fairytales aren't really life, ladies and gentlemen. It takes two seconds to say "I love you" but love is so much more then 3 little words. After that "I love you" comes the real road to love. There will be everything in the way of you two being together. There will be fights, disagreements, pain, hurt, and that could just be one day or one month. There will be outside forces working against you to keep you two apart. Life will be doing everything possible to keep you two from being together. It is not an easy journey, that is the point I'm trying to make here. Silly high school love lasts for a little while and ends bitterly. To be able to turn that simple love into something that lasts forever, now that is the real journey. Love is the most amazing thing in the world especially between two people. It's the strongest bond in the world. This love is so worth fighting for. The thing is if both people aren't completely committed then it will fail always. It might not be right away but it will. So I guess the question is do you have th strength and passion to go the distance? Do you have the drive to against the world?

I'm beginning to see that it's way more then passion and determination that can change your course of action. Maybe that's the lesson here. The stranger next to me is trying to save his relationship. He's like 60 at least, and I'm helping him type his apology. So what's the lesson here? No one's safe? Heartbreak doesn't discriminate? Love is hopeless? I'm not really sure yet.

This thing of love is truly astounding me. It's equal parts pure joy and pure frustration.

It's a total roller coaster ride if you let me be cliche for a minute. Love can be completely cynical, cruel, and painful, but then it can be the most beautiful, loyal, wonderful thing on the earth. How do we get to that point? How do we get to where it's just us "chasing cars around our heads" without a care in the world? When do we live like it's us against the world? Why is it like that in the first place? Why do we have to fight the universe to love? Love seems to be something everyone wants. World peace, no war, love everyone and all that blah, blah, blah. So why is it that the world cannot find love if they seek it so much? Instead the world keeps love from being a part of people's lives.

It's like being caught between two sides all the time. Picture a bridge.

You're standing in the middle and on either side of you people stand so there's no where to go. That is life. It's goal is to keep you in that same place for the duration of your life. Love is when you jump off the bridge into the water below.

One, you have to possess the courage to jump and two, you have to be completely out of your mind. Lastly, and most important. You have to understand that once you jump there's no going back.

Fairytales

2010-09-19T11:15:00.000-07:00

I decided that nights are the loneliest part of living alone. They also give you a lot of freedom though. I spent last night sitting on my couch cuddled up in my favorite sweater sipping a cup of tea. The quietness gives you a lot of time to think and contemplate things. Its both relaxing and a real problem for me, seeing as I tend to think a lot. After I finished my tea I took pictures.

"Here in these deep city lights

Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
Nothing here to hold on to
Could i hold you?"

-Sara Bareilles

The Start of an Amazing Adventure

2010-09-17T11:38:00.000-07:00

So here I am, sitting in Starbucks because I don't have internet writing a post about moving into my apartment yesterday!
So the night before came the last amount of packing...

Then came the movers...

That turned this...

Into this (with a little bit of help from me and the family of course)

And this is my lovely apartment. :) It may look sorta small from the pictures but its actually pretty big.

After all this time, I finally have made it to Portland to start the next chapter of my life and I am so excited for it. The next task is figuring out where everything is. Its so weird being in a place and not knowing where the store is. I didn't realize Starbucks was right downstairs until I walked around the corner. Its all so crazy. Its like a totally different new world, and one that I already love :)

I'm so excited for tonight. I have to stick this into this post at some point. Tonight my boyfriend's coming down to go explore Portland with me! I couldn't be more happy or excited right now. He makes me laugh and smile so much. He actually cares about me which is absolutely wonderful. He is absolutely wonderful.

The thing I think I love the most about this move was that it wasn't something that I had to do. It was something that I wanted to do. My whole life we've been moving around because of Dad and the army. Now this is for me. This is for my future and for my life. This is my own beginning.

Kristi Joyner BWB4L

2010-09-14T22:06:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Kristi!

You have been such an amazing friend to me since my freshman year.

We've shared so many smiles throughout the years...and some tears.

but mostly smiles :)

You've been there for me and I'll always be there for you. Even if you live in Texas..haha

YELLLOW...haha

Why is this picture so us????

Happy Birthday Girlie!

Have the best day ever best friend!

High Speed Chase

2010-09-14T21:55:00.000-07:00

It's the end of my summer. Tomorrow I get the keys to my apartment and Thursday will be my first night in my apartment. So let's recap...
The end of my senior year I could've sworn I had it all worked out. I was going to a private college, had an amazing boyfriend (or so I thought), good friends, and yeah. I thought I had the world at my fingertips. Then everything came crashing down. That "good" boyfriend...not so much. AT ALL. That private college? Not for me. Good friends, they're still there :)
So then came the adjustment...
Portland instead of Forest Grove, apartment instead of a dorm, living alone instead of with a ton of people, single instead of dating...that was the biggest adjustment.
Then came the surprise...

The boy I never thought I could ever see myself with turned into the boy that I can't imagine being without. You think you're happy one day until someone comes into your life that makes you happier. So now I have an amazing boyfriend who tells me how amazing I am every single day. He has changed everything. I am so happy! I can't believe it at all. :)

Literally, I feel like my life is a high speed chase. I'm always after something, always on the move to the next thing. This summer was so perfect and now I am really on to the next thing.

The end of the senior year I thought I had it altogether, now I know that it wasn't the case at all. I will never have it altogether but I am much closer then I was before. I'm off to Portland with a great boyfriend, amazing friends, and family behind me. I could not ask for more. :)

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Portland Awaits

2010-09-07T14:51:00.000-07:00

My journey to Portland is right around the corner. In fact, it begins next Wednesday when I get the keys to my lovely, little apartment. It's so surreal to think of how far I have come since this time last year. Last year, I was sitting in school starting my junior year thinking that everything would remain the same. I would live out my little easy life and then go through my senior year and then go off to college. Nothing ever goes as expected for me though it seems. I spent a quarter of the school year like that until I decided to graduate early. Then came the whirlwind of being overwhelmed, frustrated, constantly stressed, and put under constant pressure to finish. Then came June. That's when everything came together and I could finally breathe. I could actually take a deep breath and see my plan slowly coming together. Not too long after that my plan fell apart again, only to be rescued in the nick of time. Now, finally, it all comes down to this. My move to Portland and starting my freshman year at Portland State. No more parents, no more of my usual day to day life, things are going to be so different! I know my independence will definitely be put to the test. There will be no one to rely on, just me! I have to be responsible for the bills, the cleaning, the cooking, the groceries, the schoolwork, the ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I hope the whiteboard calendar that I got can hold all of that. At times I question whether or not I am ready to do all that. I'm only seventeen after all, and I know for sure the normal seventeen year old doesn't really do these things. Then I remember, I am DEFINITELY NOT a normal seventeen year old and I CAN handle these things. I am excited to handle these things. I am excited to be out in a new world and be on my own. There will be a lot of ups and downs in these next few months as I adjust but in the end I know I am making one of the best decisions of my life.

Not Like the Movies

2010-09-01T23:28:00.000-07:00

I've said before that my life isn't a fairytale, and that's the way I prefer it. Recently though, my life has become some sort of a dream to me. I think that's partially because I'm in Disneyland, because hey, who couldn't live the dream when you're there. Mainly though, its because I can't believe how lucky I am to have found this guy. He makes me smile, laugh, and tells me constantly that I am beautiful. Life is so confusing sometimes but I am learning if something works don't try to fight it. It could be the least thing you or anyone expected but is that really a bad thing? You find love in the most unlikely of places and that's okay! It's better then leading this boring life full of no excitement at all! Yes, doing something no one expected isn't without its consequences but its worth it. I really feel like I totally have a fresh start right now. New college, new apartment, new boy, and pretty much a new me. Like I said before, I've gained my independence back and I love being me again. I didn't realize how much I had changed for the worst. I'm getting back on track and getting back in the groove of life. The thing is learning to do that alone and realizing that you can do it alone. It doesn't mean that in the end you have to do it alone but that you know you CAN. That's the independence I got back in my life. So now having him is just this amazing bonus to my life.

And I am super happy to be living my life again. :) So that's my speech for the day....and now here are pictures!

until next time....

A Little More Love

2010-08-30T22:36:00.000-07:00

So remember the keep your eyes open post from before?

I know you do!!! :) Anyways...here's the news....(drum roll anyone?)

This is the new Mr. in my life :) He's pretty much amazing...and a BABE. Hahahaha. What else can I say?

our vans :) hint: mine are the clean ones haha!

It was very unexpected. We sat next to each other in class all year but never could we have pictured this happening. It's funny how things turn out. Before I literally thought I had my whole life planned out. I was so sure that nothing was going to change and that nothing could go wrong. Little did I know that my whole thinking, that whole relationship; that's what was wrong. I was ready to give my life away to someone who didn't want it and didn't want me. So then I was going to start school single and I began to accept that concept. I gained that fierce independence back that I had lost. I was ready to take on the world and I was finally prepared to do it all alone. Now, I'm not starting school single. I'm starting school having an awesome guy who cares about me and makes me so immensely happy. So happy, I really wonder why I ever thought I was happy before. This summer was so full of ups and downs and there were so many things that changed. Through it all, I think I learned more from this summer then I have from any other. It's taught me about relationships and love and it's taught me that the world will continue to spin even when you think you're stuck. Most of all it's taught me that anything can happen. God changes plans in an instant and it can turn into the most unexpected yet happiest thing in your life.

Now I'm in Disneyland for this whole week on our family vacation. It's nice to get away from everything. School starts for most of my friends next week. Now that's a very scary thought! That also means I need to put in overdrive and get my stuff for my apartment packed and ready to move. I'm ready to be out and on my own.

Here's some pictures from today....

I am amazingly happy. Enough said.

2:30 AM

2010-08-29T02:38:00.000-07:00

This post is slightly bittersweet I guess. There's so much running through my head right now. Part of me is happy but the other part is so frustrated and angry. I've got the best thing to happy about and the worst thing to be upset about. It's so annoying to be torn to pieces and then see yourself in situations where you swore you'd never be. The good is about the new Mr. in my life. He's quite amazing and he's instantly become the world to me. I'm sure you'll begin to see more and more of him on here. Especially since we both like taking pictures. The bad is about me and someone close to me. She thinks I don't appreciate her at all. She thinks I'm ungrateful and our fight ended with me basically saying to stop caring about me. She should. I think it'll make things easier on the both of us if she just gives up on caring about me. I'm moving out in 3 weeks and I have a feeling they're going to be rough. I've got one foot forward and one foot back. I've got so much ahead of me if I could just get unstuck and start walking forward. I finally found a guy who actually cares about me and who's willing to get to know me. I finally realize that when something just clicks you don't let it pass you by. You stop and turn and decide that hey, I should give this a shot because who knows? This could work. And lo and behold it works. It makes you smile like crazy and nothing else matters. You see the past and all you want to do is move on because you see such good things on the horizon. The hard part is letting go and being free of the things that have a hold on you. It makes you wanna smile and it makes you wanna cry. Either way you have no idea what to do and where to go. All you know is that you have to go somewhere.

You were in college, working part-time, waiting tables
Left a small town and never looked back
I was a flight risk, afraid of fallin'
Wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts

I say, "Can you believe it?"
As we're lyin' on the couch
The moment, I can see it
Yes, yes, I can see it now

Do you remember, we were sittin' there, by the water?
You put your arm around me for the fist time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Flash forward, and we're takin' on the world together
And there's a drawer of my things at your place
You learn my secrets and figure out why I'm guarded
You say we'll never make our parents' mistakes

But we got bills to pay
We got nothin' figured out
When it was hard to take
Yes, yes

This is what I thought about:

Do you remember, we were sittin' there, by the water?
You put your arm around me for the fist time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Do you remember all the city lights on the water?
You saw me start to believe for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh

And I remember that fight, two-thirty AM
You said everything was slipping right out of our hands
I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street

Braced myself for the goodbye, cause that's all I've ever known
Then, you took me by surprise
You said, "I'll never leave you alone."

You said, "I remember how we felt, sitting by the water.
And every time I look at you, it's like the first time.
I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter.
She is the best thing that's ever been mine."

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Do you believe it?
We're gonna make it now
And I can see it

I can see it now.

T.G.I.F

2010-08-27T18:22:00.000-07:00

This week has been both long and amazing. I'm glad it was long because usually time flies when you're having fun, and I got to say I've had a lot of fun this week! Next week me and the family are heading to Disneyland and the week after that school starts for most of my friends. For me it means that I move in less then two weeks. How scary is that one? This summer has been positively amazing. Like I've said before, I was terrified that this summer would be horrible but it turned into the most amazing summer ever. It's definitely one to remember forever. :) Today I got pretty bored and took pictures and edited them so I thought I would share...

I went to the beach with this awesome guy this week. :) it was prettyyy darn fun.

This week was amazing. This summer was amazing. I really couldn't ask for anything more. :)

Keep you're eyes open for more news...it should be coming shortly...

All That I'm Asking For

2010-08-23T01:03:00.000-07:00

This Sunday was far from what I had anticipated. Actually, I had no idea what was going to happen today so there was no anticipation that was possible. Church made sense this morning today. For the most part, it was about being real with who you are in Christ and living that out every day and making it a huge part of your life. I saw my friend, we'll call him....Anthony. I admire Anthony so much. He's the Christian that we should all strive to be. The short story of it is that Anthony liked a girl but God told him she wasn't right for him and he's listening. Most guys his age would say "screw it" without even paying attention, but not him. Anthony's giving up something he wants to do what God wants. Now that's a walk we all need to live. Whoever he marries will be the luckiest girl in the world, because not only is Anthony a great Christian, he's the most caring person I've ever met.

Next was the task of burying my guinea pig, Sydney. I'll admit that I should've realized that this is something WAY easier said then done. I partially dug the first whole only to find concrete!!! Then I dug another hole but had to dig the opposite direction when I realized there was a pipe there. Eventually after a couple hours of back breaking work I finished it. Only to find that the neighborhood cat decided to just up and kill a bird. Then to top it off it probably got lazy and left it on the porch. So along with burying Sydney, I buried the little bird too. Mom, Riese, and I said a few words and then it was off to the next thing.

The next thing was seeing the guy I've missed all week. I figured out that he missed me too. I guess the rest is self-explanatory. For me, and let's keep this between us, I listened to love songs yesterday. I can't remember when I did that last at all. I didn't even listen to them while I was dating that guy. Now I actually have butterflies.

I don't know what's on the road ahead of me, but I gotta say I'm loving every minute of it. I finally click with someone and those other guys just fell away in an instant. My every thought wasn't of them anymore, it was only about him and I can't believe it's happening like this at all.

I swear I'm learning to do this. I'm learning that I can't settle and that I can't ever put someone's happiness in place of my own. I'm not a maid. I won't bend over backwards for you. Let's just get that straight here and now. My heart's leading down a completely unexpected path and I think I simply adore where it's taking me.

And this was my summer..... :) to be continued of course!

Two Less Lonely People

2010-08-21T23:14:00.000-07:00

I really like how some things just fall into place, or basically how two people can become friends so quickly. There are people in this world that you just instantly connect with immediately. I talked about this for hours with one of my friends, we decided that all it takes is a small connection that instantly ignites into a spark. Right now I'm in awe of this process, or whatever you want to call it, and how quickly and easily it falls together. This friend of mine wouldn't have come along if I was still in a relationship and he couldn't have come along at a better time. Looking back, I see everything falling into place and our friendship sinking deeper and deeper....

And it's cool to think about it that way, like I totally believe that everything happens for a reason. I know to some extent that's such a cliche but at the same time everything has to have a reason because God orchestrates everything in our lives. He gives hard things to some people because he knows they can handle it. I think I'm one of those lucky people and he is too. I know lucky may not seem like the right word but at the same time its all perspective. It's cool to think that God thinks you're strong enough to handle the big stuff that he throws at you. I've had A LOT thrown at me during my short 17 years on this earth. I've experienced more then some people will in their whole lives. I think that alone gives me strength to get through the little things, like a breakup, because I know things could be a whole lot worse because I've been through much worse. I've watched my family fall apart at the seams and alcohol rip apart the remains. I've seen the pain and heartache of a relationship that was just one sided. I've felt the pain of being alone and wanting to stay that way forever. I've grown up on yelling, screaming, and leaving love behind. Through all of this though, I'd like to say I've gained perspective unlike so many people my age. I've never had the comfort of stability ever. I would experience short bursts of it and then it'd be ripped away violently from me without a second thought. I've had to leave a lot behind and bring the small stuff along because I couldn't bare losing everything. Still today my life has no stability but i am learning to deal with it. There's no point in wanting something that won't happen.

So pretty much that's a big part of my life story I just spilled out. Honestly, I hope this boy stays in my life for awhile. He means so much to me and I'm so lucky to know him.

Here Comes Goodbye

2010-08-18T23:33:00.000-07:00

We all get hurt sometimes. That's part of growing up. It's when we fall that we learn how to pick ourselves up and how not to do that ever again. Still, some things leave us wondering why, and I think that's where I am right now. The purpose of this blog was for my new adventure in Portland but its become way more then that. This blog is about heartbreak, moving on, and trying to find myself and find love as well. This blog is about transitions and all the pain and joy that goes along with them. There's a rush of emotions going through my head right now because so much has happened. I feel anger, tears, and heartache flowing through my veins. I've been lied to, trampled over, ignored, left behind, left alone, beaten up, and thrown away. This leads me to one question: WHY? Why would you ever do this to me? This I'll never know, and I have to get used to the fact that I won't ever know. That's why its called moving on. There's no such thing as happy endings and its stupid of him to hope for that. You can't break someone's heart and expect it to be alright and easy. That's naive. I need a Mr. who doesn't want endings, he wants forever. I'm not saying that this whole thing still doesn't hurt me because I not only got my heart broken, I got lied to and betrayed. You don't get right back up after someone you love slams you that hard. So yeah, I hope she was worth it.

My dreams lately have told me about what's going on in the inside of my head. My heart may be over him, but my head is still wondering why. My dreams are also telling me that letting him go was the best decision I have ever made because now I can pursue the dreams I had in the first place. Now there's no one to stop me or hold me back. I looked at a ton of graphics for my blog today and I found a bunch saying "I'm his". Why the hell would I ever want to belong to someone? Am I some t-shirt or notebook that says "This belongs to..." No. I think not. I am my own person and the next Mr. who comes around had better realize that I am not "his" I am me and I am with him. I don't wanna be the dependent girlfriend who follows her boyfriend around with huge puppy dog eyes. That's not going to be me again.

Tonight, my sweet Sydney Ann, my guinea pig left me. She passed away in my arms. She's been sick for a long time and I held her and prayed that God would take away her pain. I sang her God Bless the Broken Road and she left me after that song. Rest in peace my sweet little girl. I'll love you forever.

Portland Update

2010-08-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

So! I am moving on the 15th of September! Which, as of yesterday was exactly one month from now! I can't believe my adventure in Portland is around the corner! Recently, I feel like a total scavenger. I've been hunting for crazy deals all over the place. Yesterday I got my couch, thanks to a friend of my mom's. So now there will be a place to sit (and sleep, there's a pull out bed) when people come over. I'm still looking for something to divide my room with, and also a couple of bar stools for the kitchen. Then there's still what to put all over those boring, white walls of mine. Hmm..that will take some creativity. What's next on the list? A slipcover for that couch. I really didn't realize just how spendy those things are! So I'm on the look out for a comfy slipcover. As for the rest of my stuff I pretty much have it all together. Now to find boxes to put it all in.

Just thought I give an update :)

Teenage Dream

2010-08-12T00:52:00.000-07:00

People always push you to grow up too fast. They push you to make snap decisions and choices and then act like its all in a day's work. We have like 2 years to decide what college we go to and then 2 years to decide what we're going to do with for the rest of our life. And what happens when we don't know? People look at us like we're lazy idiots who don't have a clue. Who says things have to sped up for them to work? I'm all for speeding up the time clock, but that's only if it's right for you. It was right for me because I couldn't be in my high school any longer. For others, things could be great. We're always supposed to look to the future, to the next thing. My point I guess is that if something is going to happen it will happen no matter what you do. Sometimes its the decision not to make a decision that changes everything. It could be the determining factor in what to do is just to simply do nothing and let things figure themselves out. That's what I'm learning to do, slowly, but surely. There are things in this world that require immediate attention but there are others where it is simply out of your hands. So the only thing you can do is continue living and let life play itself out.

To the Beat of Our Noisy Hearts

2010-08-08T23:34:00.000-07:00

I have a journal called The Happy Book. It's slowly going to contain all of the things that make me the happiest, so guaranteed shopping and shoes are a given on that list. I guess this is an update about me really, a happy update on how I am now. A month or so back life was really rough and it was one of those things where I really didn't think I'd be able to pick myself up from again. Silly me though, I think I forgot who I was. Army brat, parents divorced, graduated in 3 years, seriously is there anything I can't handle? So those first weeks were rough and I totally doubted myself because I had truly lost who I was. I depended on Erik to the point of losing my own identity of who I was without him. There were times I had it back but I lost it just as quick. I realize now just how low my standards got. I fell into a mindless routine that now that I look back on it I tell myself "Thank goodness you're done with that mess!" I settled. I honestly settled for someone I thought could make me happy and I planned on spending the rest of my life with him. Happy ending. Story over. Now I see what a HUGE MISTAKE that would've been! I hate settling and I'm not going to do it ever again. I want a guy who wants to give me the world and who will serve it up for me on a silver platter that he hand forged from the silver that he mined. Get my drift? :) So until I find that guy I will live my life like crazy and make the most of every day. I will enjoy the sunshine, the rain, and the clouds in between. Things have happened to me this past week that one, I can't explain, and two, mean more to me then my entire relationship with Erik did. I had the most perfect summer night and it never would've happened if I was still with him. I was so afraid this summer would be something I wanted to forget but it ended up being the summer I want to remember for the rest of my life.

I traveled....

I got my heart broken...

I changed...

I gave up on love....

But it didn't give up on me...

So now I take chances...

Cuz I know one day this will be me...

But for now I'm happy going on my own path...

Cuz I'm sitting pretty and I love the view from here...

This is my summer to remember...

Stars and Butterflies

2010-08-04T19:39:00.000-07:00

I think a lot. I don't know why but I have always thought things through, even to the point of probably overthinking things. I guess it was the only way I could deal with the unknown. The thing is there is a lot of unknown things that are going to happen to me in the next two months.
1. I'm moving out.

2. I'm getting an apartment here.

3. My best friend is moving.

Here.

Which is exactly....

1,908 MILES AWAY!

And on top of that.

4. I'm going to college.

Here.

So I think I have lots to think about in this crazy little world of mine. One thing's for sure Portland's right around the corner and that's what this blog is all about!

Life's a Mobile

2010-07-30T00:18:00.000-07:00

My life's totally crazy. I think I forget that a lot. My life's also way different from a lot people. I think I forget that too. It's really easy to get caught up in your surroundings and lose who you are. I don't want to ever lose who I am again. I started to get so dependent on other people to determine who I am. Their name was my name and I was happy with that. Now though, there's a new situation ahead of me and no one can experience it but me. No one can be associated with it and live it because the situation is mine only to live. I have so much ahead of me and at times I think that God didn't want anything to hold me back. I think to some extent he wants me to experience this change to its fullest potential, even if that means I need to experience it alone. I'm not alone though. I may not have this one person who I am closest to, but I have people in my life that love and care about me. These people have stuck by me through all the rough patches and the happy smiles. They are people who have told me not to walk between the lines and to live life the way I want. They have showed me that there are times when its best to go the opposite direction and be happy about it. So yes, my current situation could be much better in my mind, but who knows? I can guarantee you right now that it'll be better the way I am at this very moment. I'm slowly coming into that reality. Love isn't all there is in life. It was my only goal, but now its not. I wanna live, really live my life. I want to look back on right now 10 years ago and go, "Wow. I really made the most of those years. I rocked!" So my life's a mobile, everything's changing, but I couldn't ask for more. Except for it to go faster, that is.

My Heart's in the Right Place..I Swear

2010-07-29T01:25:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. I can honestly say that for the first time in awhile. I realize that I really hate the word alright because it is such a let down. You can't be okay or happy, you're alright. To me, that just means you're barely hanging on to life as you know it. I hate it though because no one wants to be thought of like that or in the same way, think of their lives like that. You can't change you're feelings though. If you're alright, you're alright, there's no sense lying to yourself. People do that everyday and that erks me too. There comes a point though when I get so sick of being just alright. I want to be so much more then one boring little descriptive word! I want to be....

Impressed by the big things.

As well as the small...

And to find someone who I can give my whole heart to. Someone who actually wants to have it.

So we'll see what happens :)
Pictures from today..

One step forward, two steps back. Well at least I'm going somewhere ;)

I Wish You Could See What I See

2010-07-28T00:13:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been rough, but I'm getting through it. My friends are what have definitely made it better. My big brother Micah and Ryan have been so amazing lately. I love em so much! They have been my friends since my freshman year and I hope that continues! I know they have my back. My BWB Kristi has been awesome too! It's been a rough month for the both of us but we're getting through it together. Right now we're at Resort at the Mountain near Mt. Hood. We had so much fun taking pictures today!

These are just some of them :)
We also went on this sketchy adventure to thriftway tonight! It was totally worth it though because we got our dark chocolate ice cream which was so amazing. I also got peanut butter M+Ms which were delicious as well.

Tomorrow's agenda is the pool. I'll post more pictures tomorrow!

But for now....

Cherish Yesterday

Dream Tomorrow

Live Like Crazy Today

Loves,

Kate

Single Life

2010-07-26T18:30:00.000-07:00

What I just realized a few minutes ago about my current single life. When you go on a trip, no one misses you, and you don't miss anyone. Before I used to dread saying goodbye but I loved coming home to someone who loves me, someone who was waiting for me when I got home. Now there's no one to say goodbye too and no one to come home to. In a way I can see that as if one day I find a place I like I'll just stay there because there's no reason to come back for. In another way its the most depressing thing ever, because not having someone there for you is like living in a world by yourself. I think that's why people have dogs. They'll miss you and they'll say goodbye to you. Now for the first time, I don't have anyone to leave and no one to say "I missed you" to. Between all the tears and laughs lately, I can't decide whether or not that's a good thing.

Okay, I just decided its definitely a good thing. I don't want someone waiting for me when I get home. I'd rather have a dog. If I have someone waiting on me that means I have somewhere I always need to be. If i don't I can be wherever, do whatever. That's what I want and what I'm living right now.

Cherish Yesterday

Dream Tomorrow

Live Like Crazy Today

(twilight-review.com)

And I also decided I needed a picture of him on my blog.... :)

LOVES!

Kate <3

A Unexpected Fork in the Road

2010-07-25T13:02:00.000-07:00

          I've started writing this post more then 3 times but each time I had to stop because I was crying so much. I lost my boyfriend a few weeks ago, as hard as I try not to keep track of the days that pass me by. 13 months. Over a year of spending almost every day with someone you love and cherish only to have them let you go and decide that all you have to give is not enough for them. 1 year and a month, only to have to go to his house and get my stuff back and say goodbye to his cat without him being there at all. 13 months, only to have my heart broken into thousands of pieces with no one but myself to pick them up again. Over a year, only to have the guy you love act like you're the horrible person.
         There's a long pause in my head right now, this contemplative pause of simply, "What now?" I honestly thought he was the first guy who understood me so I let myself go. I let myself go completely without a thought because I was sure he would take care of my heart because he already knew it had been broken time and time again.
        There's a part of me that just wishes he would've waited. We had so much before us! I'm going to college, he was going to be a senior in college, I'd be living alone in Portland and there would be so many adventures we could have together. That's one of the hardest parts because I feel like there was so much that we could've done but never got the chance. So I have to do it all alone.
        I feel like I'm back at the beginning, where there's only myself left and I have to pick myself up and fix my life. At the same time, it's like I don't want to be anything else without him even as silly as that sounds. There are moments where I want so much for him to be with me again even though that will never happen. We've been through so much together. I've been trying to build up this hatred toward him but everytime I actually think about him it melts away.
        I have to get back into my mindset that I had before Erik: that I have to take care of myself, rely on myself, because I'm the only person who won't break me. Maybe if I'd have kept this mindset before Erik things wouldn't have ended this way with me left hanging and wondering where to go and who to turn to.
        This leads me to my fork in the road. One side leads to dreaming that if I talked to him we could work it out. It's this hope that remains because I'm still in love with him. I say this while fully trying my hardest not to be. Love just doesn't disappear when you want it to unfortunately, as much as I wish I could just hate him and never care again. The other side is standing alone, and learning how to do that again. Learning how to be me again, self-reliant. Learning how to be alone again.
So as much as I can hope that he'd come back and that I wouldn't be alone again that in itself is a vain and hopeless hope to have. I know him, I spent enough time to know that once he's made a decision it's done. There's no point in wishing because once he burns a bridge its burned. So my only option now is to continue my path alone and hope that one day he leaves my heart forever so that I can finish rebuilding it again.

Just a day, just an ordinary day
Just tryin' to get by
Just a boy, just an ordinary boy
But he was looking to the sky

And as he asked if I would come along
I started to realize
That every day he finds just what he's looking for
Like a shooting star he shines

And he said, "Take my hand
Live while you can
Don't you see your dreams lie right
In the palm of your hand?"

And as he spoke, he spoke ordinary words
Although they did not feel, no
For I felt what I had not felt before
And you'd swear those words couldn't heal that

And as I looked up into those eyes
His vision borrows mine
And I know he's no stranger
For I feel I've held him for all of time

And he said, "Take my hand
Live while you can
Don't you see your dreams right
In the palm of your hand"
In the palm of your hand

Please come with me
See what I see
Touch the stars for time will not flee
Time will not flee, can't you see?

Just a dream, just an ordinary dream
As I wake in bed
And the boy, that ordinary boy
Or was it all in my head?

Didn't he ask if I would come along?
It all seemed so real
But as I looked to the door
I saw that boy standing there with a deal

And he said, "Take my hand
Live while you can
Don't you see your dreams lie right
In the palm of your hand"
In the palm of your hand, in the palm of your hand

Just a day, just an ordinary day
Just tryin to get by
Just a boy, just an ordinary boy
But he was looking to the sky

Ordinary Day by Vanessa Carlton

Cupcake Madness

2010-07-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't written lately because as most of you know that guy I wrote so much about before is out of my life for good. He left me hanging. So now this blog really is talking about a completely new stage of my life, which for some reason I'm thinking is a good thing. The past two weeks have been really rough but now I feel like I can move on a bit and get back into the grove of things. So here we go...

Cupcakes have got to be one of the best things in the world and today I made some pretty damn beautiful cupcakes.

Aren't they absolutely gorgeous???

I also got to spend time with one of my best friends, Ashley. I've known her since kindergarten. We've had so many good times! It was great to spend time catching up with her and having fun over jewelry. We now have a traveling necklace! Between her, me, and her sister we have a necklace that'll get passed between us. It's going to be awesome. I'll have a picture when i get it :)

Also..at some point in time I'll have a post about the break up but not just yet. I need a little more time.

Loves,
Kate

Rangers…"LEAD THE WAY!"

2010-07-06T03:07:00.000-07:00

So I write on my return trip back to Portland. My first confession is that I wish it was longer. I am so not ready to be back in Portland. I could've stayed a couple more weeks i'm sure. My trip was nothing short of amazing. Yes the humidity nearly killed me, but I made it through with a smile on my face. This post is about the highlights, since I didn't have internet while I was gone.
Ft. Benning, GA. That's where I've been the past week. It's the Army's main training post for incoming soldiers and the Rangers. The Rangers are elite soldiers. Ever seen Black Hawk Down? Those were the U.S. Army Rangers and on top of that two of those men were Medal of Honor recipients. .My dad became a Ranger there and now he's Battalion Commander at the WTC (Warrior Training Center) at Ft. Benning. He's in charge of a lot of soldiers now. I'm pretty sure this is my dad's favorite job.

Probably the best thing there was going to the DZ (Drop Zone) and watching soldiers getting their Pathfinder tab parachute from a helicopter. It was so cool!

    My next highlight has got to be seeing my puppy (well, he's a little older now) Charlie. I miss that dog so much. One thing I learned there is that everyone on base has a dog. This ranged from a tiny little yorkie named Boca (don't be fooled, this dog's got an attitude) to Kieole, or Taz as we called him, the Golden, to Max, a German Shepherd/ Great Dane mix that sort of resembled Scooby-doo. So Charlie's got a lot of friends…and enemies (Boca absolutely hates him).
    Then there's Riese, my little brother. Seeing him was awesome. I miss that boy so much even though I probably don't show it. We spent hours playing Lego Batman on his Xbox. It was really fun. (picture)
    Next has got to be the general atmosphere of the place. In Portland, I've learned joining the military is a bad thing, something looked at as giving your life away. Here military pride is the biggest thing around. If you don't know someone in the military or aren't in it yourself people look at you like "What are you thinking?" Seeing the new soldiers just starting basic (Basic Training) and seeing some of the OCS (Officer Candidate School, for people joining that already graduated) guys really made me feel at home. It made me happy to know the military is still something to be proud of. I loved going the PX (Post Exchange, basically the shopping center) and being surrounded by military families. There's pride in being one of them too. I went to the NIM (National Infantry Museum) and it was amazing to see the exhibits. There's so much that the Infantrymen have been involved him since the Revolutionary War. There was also an exhibit about Ft. Benning showing shots of men going through basic and just their general schedule and things.
    Ft. Benning still has a part of my heart in it and so does the military. I think being there woke up that spirit in me again. This does not mean that I will become a soldier but it does mean I will more than happily become an army wife in the blink of an eye. Also, next summer I'm planning on spending the summer there interning.

HOOAH!!!

love always,
Kate

Perfumania

2010-06-25T14:09:00.000-07:00

Today my cousin Mikaela and I went on a shopping trip. We went up to Starbucks and had coffee, hot chocolate for her and my usual caramel latte for me, and headed of to Streets of Tanasbourne. I love that little shopping center. It has almost every store I go to. The main ones being Vickies, Pac Sun, and American Eagle. All of which are having sales right now, I might add. So with coffee in our hands we hit the stores. Starting with Claire's we made our way through the mall. The best was Macy's. We had way too much fun in the perfume section. We smelled everything from Burberry to Marc Jacobs to the Harajuku line of perfume made by Gwen Steffani. We haled this our favorite. The summer collection had things from pineapple and coconut to lemon drop and sweet floral scents. We both want the coconut one (pictured center)

Remember the brownie cupcakes from yesterday? Well, all but one remain. I guess they were a hit. What to make next? I see red velvet cake in my future I'm sure.

Loves, Kate

First Things First

2010-06-24T14:44:00.000-07:00

My very first blog post! I'll start with the chapter in my life that just ended. High School. It was supposed to be the best 4 years of a person's life. With me though, nothing goes according to plan. Turned out for me high school would span just 3 years of my life and include some of the worst moments of my life I can remember. There were good points though,
Like my best friends:

Kristi Joyner, my bestie. Always there for me and always amazing! BWB4L

Elizabeth and Chelsea: I love these girls! Best friends forever!

Which leads me to graduation:
And now that that's over,
My next chapter in my life can begin. I figured I should have a blog to document it all. Things are going to change so fast I want to keep track of everything.

So today,
I made my peanut butter brownie cupcakes.

My day today was one spent baking, watching JAG, and having dinner with my family.

(cbs images)

Ohhh.....JAG :)
The best show with the best guy ever.

Always and forever, your Kate